Lamp on a timer

Forgive me if I have posted on this before, but honestly I can't remember if I have and it is a worthy topic to post or repost : )

At our house wake-up time is 7am.  It is fine if you sleep past then, but kiddos out of bed before that is not the best start to my day.  Call me selfish if you must, but I need that time to myself, to read my Bible or take a shower or if need be, sleep!

I fully recognize that it is hard for kids to want to jump out of bed as soon as they are awake, especially for little ones that can't tell time yet.  Here is an idea that was passed down to me from a fellow mama when H was little.

Put a light on a timmer in their room.  No need to set an alarm that could wake them if they might just happen to sleep in.  But a small lamp shouldn't wake someone up.

We bought these timers from Amazon.
I set it up in Bug's room to a lamp on her dresser.  Her lamp turns on at 7am, when it is okay for her to get out of bed.  She happily comes and finds us and our day starts out smoothly!

H-man can tell time so in his room we have a clock setup.  And B is too young to understand, but lucky for me he tends to sleep in!

Threats / Warnings

Do you find yourself counting??  Warning? Threatening? Raising your voice?
When you ask your kids to do something, do they obey right-away or do they wait for YOUR cue?  What is the cue you give your kids to finally listen to you?  We all train our kids to listen (or not listen) to us.  They learn to know when we mean business, when we are serious, when we are about to loose it...

I am totally convinced that we are all training our kids, even when we don't realize it.  If you ask your child to do something and they don't do it, do you start counting?  If so you are training your child to obey after you have said "two", but before you say "three!"  If you are one that is apt to raise your voice, you child may not see the importance in listening to you until you reach the right decibel they have grown accustom to.  If you are the parent that gives out threats {dare I say, idle threats} you are teaching your child that your word can't be trusted, that you lack follow-through.  And if you are warning your child over and over again, they are learning that you don't really mean what you say, and that they don't have to listen to you at all.

One of our dear friend's husbands described to Mr. Steady and I once why he hates warnings so much because of what it does to him.  "The first time I give an instruction I am calm. If the instruction is ignored. I warn again, this time still calm, but getting a tiny bit frustrated.  By the third, forth or tenth time I have to ask, I am completely frustrated!  I don't like to respond to my kids when I am frustrated."  Isn't that so true?!  That the frustration in us builds each time we have to repeat our instruction.  Or is it just me that feels that way?

A few years ago I had a friend over and her child kept disobeying her.  She said to her son, "If you do that again, you are going to get a time-out."  Two minutes later my friend said "If you do that again, your going to get a time-out." This happened over and over (at least, no joke 8 times), with NO time-outs given.  I was biting my tongue {literally} - all I wanted to say to her was, "If you threaten a time-out one more time and don't follow-through, I'm going to put you both in time-out!"

You see, {in my opinion} she was training her child that he didn't have to listen to her; that she wouldn't follow through and that what she said didn't matter.  And to be honest, it is really a dis-service to our kids to give more than one warning, and especially idle threats, becuase our poor kiddos never know when you are actually going to follow through... any consequence will feel like a surprise to them.... because you have threatened before and not followed through, so why now????

I am so guilty of this!  This is just one of many examples, but I have found my self saying, "if you do that again we are going to leave." Then I didn't leave when they did it again.... becuase it was inconvenient for me.  Uggh, it is so hard!  There are so many areas in parenting where we need to die to self, to put our child's heart (and heart-training) above our agenda, conversations and convenience!

Here are a few things to consider...

• It is better to say nothing than to threaten something and not follow through!  
• Remember that you are the one giving your kid the cues for when they really have to obey.  Consciously decide it you are okay with your current cues or if you need to regain some self-control and consistency.
• Remember the more warnings, the more likely you are to get frustrated.  Keep your heart, actions and tone of voice in check.
• Kids rise to the expectations put on them.  It will never be perfect.  We have kids with sinful hearts, and we as parents have sinful hearts.  But I promise that if you expect sass, you will get sass.  If you expect (and therefore condone) arguing, you better believe that your child is becoming an expert debater.  Don't be afraid to expect obedience the first time you ask something.
• If/when you decide that you are going to change things up in this regard... Start by talking with your child about it.  Let them know that how you have been doing things is going to change.  Apologize, and tell them that how you handled this in the past was not the best way, that your job as a mommy or daddy is hard and that you are sorry that you did not do it right from the start.  Then tell your child what is now expected of them, and how you will follow through.

Parenting is a hard job, no need to make it harder on yourself or your child by being inconsistent with your expectations and follow-through.  Kids thrive on consistency, it gives them security, even when the consistency entails consequences!

"Simply let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from evil."

Matthew 5:37

Heart Probing Questions

 

If you haven't had a chance to read Tedd Tripp's book Shepherding a Child's Heart, you really should!  It is an excellent book!  The chapter we are going over in our parenting class is on communication.  And how good communication is not talking to others in a monologue sort of way (our kids in this example), but really drawing out the heart of others and entering into a dialogue with them.  Does it come naturally to you?

In regard to parenting I realized how un-natural that really is to me.  Sure I ask the question "Why did you do that?" but 9 times out of 10 that gets me a response of "I don't know!"  Am I seeking to understand what is going on in my kiddos hearts and minds if I leave it at just that question?

The other day I told Bug to do something and her response was "Got it Mama!" Which made me laugh and cringe at the same time.  I realized that I had been barking orders at my kids lately and then ending with "You got it??"  Uggh, ugliness and rushing on my part, translates to not taking the time to consider their little hearts!  Who wants to be told/ asked "Got it"???  {I am working on not saying that}

As Mr. Steady and I talked about it a little this evening, we decided we need to have a quick reference sheet of questions that get to the heart of our little ones.  Since this really does not come naturally to us, we need a little help to keep us on track.  Here are some suggested questions on our sheet...

Heart Probing Questions:
Hey love, can you tell me what just happened?
What were you feeling when you ______?
How did you respond?
Did your response get the desired outcome you were hoping for?
How else could you have responded?
Were your actions considering the feelings of the other person?
How could you have better put the other person's needs above your own?
Was your response honoring to God?
How can mommy help you in this area?

A good reminder is to ask our kids the questions and be okay with a little bit of silence.  Give them time to reflect on what you asked.  After a few minutes ask them if they remember your question and re-word it if necessary if they seem to not be understanding.  Also, don't be afraid to help them discover the answer.  You can give them multiple choice, especially when they are younger and don't fully know how to describe all that is going on in their heart.  Example: "Buddy, how were you feeling when you head-butted your sister?" (yes actual example from our home).  "Were you angry at her? Was she frustrating you?  Were you trying to ask her to give you more space?"  It is not easy and though you may ask the best questions, it won't mean that you will get the best answers : )  Don't give up on trying to understand the heart of your little one!

The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters,
   but one who has insight draws them out. 

Proverbs 20:5

Golden Rule

We have been working... and working ... and needing to work some more... on helping H understand and live out the Golden Rule.  It really is such a hard calling!  I am not making excuses for my kids... but really do any of us always treat each other how we would want to be treated?  Or when you take it to the next level with scripture, are we putting others needs above our own?

Back in July I saw this downward spiral for H of putting his needs first and neglecting to even consider what others may or may not like.  I wrote about it here.  Here are a few training ideas that we did.

1.  Started making TV an earned privilege, one of the areas where he earned TV time was when he showed extra grace toward Bug.  I have a heightened awareness of how easily the bad attitudes and habits of characters on TV rub off on my kids.  So all TV watching is being highly scrutinized around here.

2.  Put together a Mommy/ Daddy CD/ playlist for him of verses and stories related to the Golden Rule or putting other's needs first.

3.  Talked lots and lots about how he would like to be treated.

4.  Asked him often, "Was that looking out for your needs or the needs of others?

5.  I started talking out-loud as I was making decisions to show H what it looks like to really consider and think about the needs of others.  "Daddy, will be home soon and he sure likes the house clean.  I am going to spend the next 15 minutes picking up because I know that will really make Daddy happy."

6.  Memorized together Philippians 2:3 "in humility, consider others better than yourself."  To really help this idea soak in we added hand motions.  My hope is that at the playground or from across the room, that I won't have to verbally remind H to consider others, but that I can do 4 quick hand motions and remind him. (idea stolen from Hally, who learned it from Rebecca)

 Consider

 Others

 Better Than

Yourself

7. We started praying specifically that H could be aware of the needs {and preferences} of others, and that he will have the humility to put their needs first. (Okay, so need to echo this prayer for myself)

We are still working on this, and probably will be for years to come!

the parenting pendulum

Recently I realized that I am constantly swinging on the parenting (child training) pendulum.  When the kids are behaving, doing great and acting as I desire, I am feeling oh so proud... dare I admit I am truly prideful.  However when they are disobeying, being selfish and defiant I am oh so discouraged.  From discouragement to pride, then pride back to discouragement.

Uggh! Then I realize, "wow, this really isn't about me".  If they are doing well, I need to be praising God for working in their little hearts.  If they are struggling with sin, I need to be coming along side them {dare I say thankful for an opportunity} to train their heart and leaning on God for his help.  When my heart is focused on me and my efforts, I am failing to see all that God is doing.  The other thing I have noticed is when I am swinging back and forth, I am failing to see their hearts; all I am focusing on is their behavior.

Heart training is so incredibly difficult.  To see what the heart issue is behind the behavior is so hard.  It is even difficult for me to really evaluate what is going on in my heart that is driving my attitude and actions.  To break down each issue to the true sin behind it can be a challenge.  However, the alternative of only looking at the behavior teaches our little ones that as long as you appear to have it together on the outside it doesn't matter what is going on inside.

Last Friday I picked "Don't Make Me Count to Three" up off my bookshelf to re-read.  It has been 2+ years since I read it and I needed a little refresher after some issues we got going on in our casa.  I am devouring each chapter... this is exactly what I needed.  Here is a section that got right to my heart:

"When we focus on our children's outside behavior and neglect what is on the inside, we will cause our children to become manipulators.  They will learn to please us by jumping through the hoop (by acting the way we tell them to act out of fear of punishment) but thy will not learn the righteousness of Christ... we risk them viewing Christianity as a set of burdensome rules."

I have so much growth in the area of parenting... so much growth in godly wisdom, patience and perspective!

Mommy & Daddy CD/ playlist

I read a book when H was just 1 year old called Creative Family Times.  You can get it for DIRT cheep on Amazon.com (less than $1).  It is full of many amazing and yet super practical ideas for parenting, teaching our kids, talking about God, and cultivating open communication with our kids.  It is a very quick read and a great resource to have around.

 

In this little book there is a chapter called "Tape Time."  (Can you tell this was published in the late 80's... when most of us were still kids ourselves... too funny).  The idea in this chapter is to make a tape, (I will just say CD) for your kids to listen to when they go to bed at night.  The content of the CD is up to you, but the intent is to let this be a teaching time for your kids, so to think through what you want them to learn.  The author gives multiple ideas for content such as critical information (address, phone number...), memory verses, children stories, kids songs, manners, and godly character.  She even gives specific scripts, which are super helpful!  {I want to reiterate again that this is a great resource to have}

We made the first CD for H when he was 16 months old.  He loves them and still asks to listen to some of the first the Mommy and Daddy CD's.  He has the stories memorized and has learned so much scripture though this too.  One of my favorite parts to some of his CDs is when we talked about all of the things we love about him.  Everyone could use the reminder of how lovable they are : )

If you have a Mac it is really easy to make the CDs in the program called Garage Band.  I am sure there are programs to do this on a PC, I just don't know the details.

Here is a quick run down on how to make these in Garage Band
1.  Once in program click on create a "New Podcast Episode"
2.  A screen will pop up to create a file name to save as.  I have found that it is best that I write in the exact content of what I am recording.  Such as "Golden Rule verses."
3.  Click on what kind of track it will be, I click on "Female Voice"
4.  Then click on the large red circle to start recording
5.  Click the red button to stop recording
6.  Save
7.  Click on "Share" then "Send Podcast to iTunes"
8.  Once in iTunes create a playlist and burn the CD

It does take some prep to get all of your books ready to read, verses out and list of things you want to talk about on your CD.  However much time it takes for you to prep will be worth it!  Your kids will love getting to hear your voice as they fall asleep; what an amazing way to end their day : )

Alone Play Time

This by no means is an original thought of mine, just an idea that was shared in a book and that I was able to see other mom's carry out that I have to share...

In the mommy group that I went to this last Spring, once a month the speaker would ask some of the mom's "What in this stage of motherhood could they not live without."  Some said their mom or best friend, a good book... the most popular answer by far was iPhone.  I have been thinking about this question a lot in light of being a mommy of 3.  My new answer of what I could not live without at this stage is... Alone Play Time (APT).  Not for me, for my kids : )  Almost everyday my kids do alone play time.

Who is  it for?  All of my kids
What is it?  Just what it sounds like time for each kiddo to play all by them-self.
Where?  H in his room, Bug in her crib and Baby Bro in his crib.
When?  We do alone play time every day, usually mid morning.
Why?  For oh, so many reasons...  but my top 3 are:
1.  I need that time (now more than ever).  It is when I get ready, make lunches if we are headed out, pack up the car, make calls, do my quiet time, get setup for craft projects... whatever it is pressing for that day that is easier done alone.
2.  It is good for kids to learn to play all by themselves.  Too many kids in our society are constantly looking to others to entertain them. 
3.  I think that it helps improve their ability to concentrate.  I know at my house, if the kids are in the play room there are tons of toys to choose from, that they often move from one activity to the next without really focusing on one toy.  For APT, they only get 2-3 toys and 2-3 books.  This gives them time to focus on these toys and books without getting distracted.

How does it work?  It is different for kids of different ages.  But I would say start em' young.

With H we started APT when he was only a few months old.  It started out as time with his mobile in his crib.  Then when he could hold onto toys, I would give him a few toys to reach for, hold or bat at.  For H as an infant he would do APT for up to 20 minutes.  As they get a little older you can add a few minutes to that.  I am starting this with Baby Bro now; just this morning he had 10 minutes of mobile time.

For Bug, I made the HUGE mistake of not starting APT until she was 14 months old.  She hated it at first and would throw a huge fit protest for the first 10 minutes each time.  Now she loves it (most days) and is up to 30-45 minutes.  I always play a kids CD, give her a few toys and books.  The toys I give her are ones that are only for APT, and most of them are manipulative toys of some kind (box where shapes go in the holes, stacking cups, large legos...)  The true alluring factor for Bug about APT is that she gets to go back in her crib where her beloved binky and blanket are (the girl is truly addicted to her binky).

With H now, he gets full reign of his room.  I have special toys in his room that are just for APT or he can pick out something else if he would like.  H also gets a CD (of his choice) in his room to listen to as he plays.  He often ends up playing with something different that he started with, but that is really fine with me.

APT has been crucial for me in this transition.  I am hoping that when I am not sleep-deprived that I can get up before the kids to get ready and get a start on my day.  Once that is happening I want to stagger their APT so I make sure I am getting 1 on 1 time with each kiddo!

If you only have a baby, start now, you won't regret it!  If your little one is a toddler just know that it might come with some resistance, but give it a try.  Save their favorite toys for APT, start out with just 5 or 10 minutes, you can talk it up too, build it up in their mind about how this is a special time.  If you have a preschooler be sure to let them help pick the music and activity.  One other tip that I think helps is that I try to be on the floor playing with my kids in the time leading up to APT.  I want them to have time with me.  I think it helps them to know they are not going to APT because mommy doesn't want them around. 

So, that is one little tip that has worked wonders for me that I am so thankful someone passed my way... hopefully, it will encourage one of you out there : )

Training

"Be Careful..."
How many time do we say this to our little ones?  I personally say it all of the time... probably too much.  I recently realized that often I have not done a good job of explaining what "Be Careful" really means (or looks like).  There are so many things that this one statement can mean... don't drop that, walk slowly, stop and think, be cautious in what you are doing, don't spill, watch for cars...  With so many things "Be careful," can mean this is not an all-inclusive training, but a start on what it means to focus on the task and to have steady hands.

I created a mini obstacle course, maybe relay challenge is a better way to describe it.  We filled up a bunch of water balloons and put them in a bin, gave the kids a large spoon to scoop up the balloons and carry them over to the other side. (H could hold the spoon, but it was too hard for Bug, so Daddy took turns with H)

So I didn't get great pictures of the process... but the point was made.  It really helped H have a better understanding of what I mean by "be careful."  We will work on what being careful means in other areas... so much to teach and train our little ones : )

Training idea help...

Child Training is an ongoing task that I often feel like needs to have a higher priority in my life.  Training times can feel like a lot of work or we can make them fun.  I am not always so good at figuring out how to make things fun, but I am working on breaking out of my rule based mentality to a more colorful world of fun : )

This week I have been asking myself if I have put forth my best effort to train H in different areas or if we just laid out expectations for him without training him how to accomplish it.  We often tell our kids what to do or not do, but are we taking the time to walk them through, to show them what we are asking of them?

So we did potty training over 2 years ago.  Now we need to do retraining of some bad habits.  One area that needs some training for H is how to NOT pee on the bathroom floor.  Seriously, I am over stepping in puddles when I walk in the bathroom.  Also to WASH his grubby little hands after he is done.  Ahh, I won't go into detail on this one, but just know that some reminder training will be happening here.

The real area that I am aiming (ha, aiming would be for the first area of training.... but I digress) to work on training for H is the Golden Rule.   A few days ago, H bit his sister's finger and then hours later dropped a stroller on her.  Both of which seemed totally out of character for him.  When I asked him how he would like it if I dropped a stroller on him, he said, "I wouldn't like it very much!"  Not that I would ever show him what that would be like.  But asking the question really helped him realize what he had just done.  So how do I get him to ask himself the question BEFORE the offense happens?  I realized that we have not really trained him on what it means to consider others better than himself (which I feel like is one step beyond the Golden Rule).  H is usually a kind kid, thoughtful of others, but truly thinking of others first is not at the forefront of his mind.

I have some ideas for our training time, but I would love to hear if you have any ideas, book recommendations, games and such to drive this point home.  I will gather all resources and will post soon on our training plan.

Would love your help : )

Child Training- shopping

Perfect behavior doesn't just happen at the grocery store... oh, wait, perfect behavior NEVER happens.  But acceptable kid behavior can be trained.  Somehow, we were able to train H early on what was expected when we went shopping when he was sitting in the cart.  Bug on the other hand is constantly testing the limits sitting in the cart, and we have entered a new level of training for H as he walks next to me.  It is so tempting to save all shopping (grocery and other) for when Mr. Steady can watch the kiddos.  However, I am determined that I can successfully do our shopping with my kids without becoming flustered... it is after all a part of my job as a stay-at-home mom.

Please know that I am not saying that I do not enjoy the times that I get to leisurely peruse each and every isle or rack all by myself.  There are situations in which shopping solo is the way to go, I just don't think that should be our constant default as moms (just my opinion).

Here is what has worked for us (okay part of this post is just a reminder for myself too)
When they are little and can sit in the front of the cart, have the expectation that they SIT.  Bug went through a phase where she was constantly trying to stand.  A few times, I picked her up and held her, which made my shopping much more complicated.  So then I would consistently say, "Bug, on your bottom, " or "sit down please."  It took a few shopping trips of helping her back on her bottom, over and over again.  Yes she cried in protest, but it was worth it.  She no longer tries to stand or get out of the child seat.  I think it also helped that I started tightening down the safety belt too : )

H-man is now big enough to walk with me.  I usually have him keep one hand on the cart, if an isle is too narrow, I will have him walk right behind me until there is room for him to walk next to the cart.  Again, this never goes perfectly, but we have seen great improvement lately.  I try to prepare him as we are walking into the store, reminding him of what the expectations are. "H, when we get in the store, I need you to keep one hand on the cart (or stroller) and not touch anything unless I ask you to.  Sound good?"  Occasionally at the store, I will have him help pick something out. "Buddy, can you pick out what kind of granola bars you would like, and put them in the cart?'  He really likes that.

One idea I have yet to try for H is to have a shopping list for him (either pictures or words he can sound out).  Teach Mama has some great ideas on doing this here.  I am going to work on creating these picture lists for H, I think he would really like to be in charge of the list!

My two issues with Bug that we are working on is that she likes to reach behind her and grab the groceries out of the cart.  Which is fine if it is box of crackers or something, but when it is a bag of grapes and they spill all over when she tips it... not cool.  So I am thinking that all grabbing of items, is going to be a "stop" (our version of "no no").   I have tried to give her an item to hold on to, but then she chucks it on the ground, when I pick it up and don't give it back to her, she pitches a fit and it is all down-hill from there.  My second issue with Bug, is when she decides shopping time should be over and starts fussing.  She is still not understanding "wait" or "be patient please."  Snacks have helped lengthen her patience while shopping, but is that really training her or am I just appeasing her?  Any suggestions?  What works with your kids?  Especially little ones?

Today, I was feeling crafty so I brought the kids to JoAnn Fabrics so I could look at ideas for my crafting craving, however, Bug was an awful shopper..  She whined, cried, protested, and all I did was appease her.  Uggh, I am at a loss with this girl.  I know you can train kids not to whine, but I don't know what will work for her. 

Maybe, the fabric store was too slow of a pace with me stopping, looking, feeling, comparing... maybe this is an outing for just Mama next time.  Besides, whining really stifles my creative juices too : )