Today was not a winning day as a mom in my little world. I am exhausted, big and uncomfortable, in pain from my back, impatient and truth be told, selfish. I know that some of the issues going on in our home are greatly influenced by the stages my kids are at, but really... I have to take the credit for some of the ugliness going on here. Oh, what I would give to have a wise answer on my tongue when correction is needed, or an extra amount of patience, or more joy, or more love... but left on my own accord, I continue to get frustrated and flustered at my kiddos.
Bug is wearing me down with her outright defiance. At almost 18 months old I am constantly questioning what I need to be doing with her, what discipline is appropriate, what can be expected of her. The girl understands everything. She just chooses to do very little of what is asked of her. When I say, "Come here please," she will turn and RUN the other way. I then take hold of her little hand and say, "Bug, Mama asked you to come here please, you need to obey what Mama asked." I lead her back to where I was when I had asked her to come, which she thinks is all a little game and will often stop walking with me and drag her feet, belly laughing as we go.
Another constant battle is in the car: she thinks it is great fun to reach over and pinch H's arm as I am driving (their car seats are next to each other in the car). I have said over and over, "Bug, Stop! No pinching bro, please keep your hands to yourself." But she does is over and over again. Oh, and then there are the fits, the crying every time she does not get her way, tears and at times kicking and screaming. Age appropriate, and to be expected, but this can not be our norm!
Seriously, what do I do?!?! We did not have the issues of strong defiance with H, where everything becomes a head-on battle. It makes me doubt that I am even fit to mother her. It wears me down and then I have less patience for H-man. It makes me want to go back to work, because at least at work, people listened to me, and didn't fight me on every issue. So is anyone hiring? I am just kidding, but man that prospect is tempting!
I know that it is such a blessing that I get to stay home with our kids. I am just feeling a little over my head right now. It might be that there are only a few weeks left in my pregnancy and I am wondering how in the world will I ever take care of (let alone soak in and cherish) a newborn, while trying to keep Bug under control. This pressing time-frame is probably adding to my own sense of urgency and unrealistic expectations. I think that all of this is just a reminder that I need to be seeking God daily for wisdom in how to raise, respond to and shepherd these little people that He has entrusted to my care. Why do I so foolishly try to do it on my own?
One other struggle that I am dealing with, and maybe some of you can relate, is not taking my kids disobedience and other sin issues as a personal offense to me. To not get frustrated, impatient or angry, but to see that we ALL struggle with sin and disobedience, it just manifests itself in different ways in each one of us. I need to be consistent with correction, patient with instruction and generous with grace...I know these things, it can just be so hard to implement.
Okay, I will stop rambling on... thanks for reading if you made it this far : ) If you think of us will you pray for my heart as a mom, that God will give me the wisdom, patience and grace to make it through each day. Will you also pray for some forward progress with Bug, that we won't constantly be at this place of total defiance. Oh, and pray that tomorrow might be a winning day! Thanks for your prayers!