... not much to say...

I haven't had much to say here lately...
I have been waiting for something profound, something to encourage others, something funny, or something domestic.
Truth is life has continued to be a little challenging around here.  Mr. Steady's back has really flared up again, poor guy can't stand up straight {another MRI tomorrow to see what is going on}.  I'm feeling drained at the end of most days.  Parenting has been challenging lately {always is really, I keep trying to remind myself  that this isn't supposed to be easy to train up these little peeps}.  My house is messier than normal {quickly realizing how much my man usually helps keep things picked up}.  There is chaos in my head with possible changes {nothing major, so no one freak out on me}.  My selfish heart daily beckons me to be lazy to have a pitty-party, to live life my own way {conviction is good, turning from sin is hard, but so worth it}.  After having exercised 5 days a week for 5 months, this last month, I have only worked out like once a week... I had really hoped my new routine would stick.. not so much.  I haven't been as intentional with my kids as I would like/ hope for {and you can see it in how they are living/ loving/ and obeying, or the lack there of}.

But I am thankful {do you believe me after that paragraph above}

I'm thankful for: 
- My baby turned 2- thankful for this spirited, loud, crazy, silly  little man!
- My big boy graduated kindergarten!  He had an awesome year!
- My Bug is growing in joy, developing her own interests, and loving on her bros!
- God has continued to provide for us, and I have a hard working man!  Mr. Steady was the #1 sales rep in his office for multiple months... even during all of his medical issues!!!
- I have found a renewed joy of reading God's Word!!!!!
- We have 2 family weddings this Fall so a long trip to Utah is on the schedule! Woo Hoo!
- With our current situation, God is teaching me a lot (to slow down, that I can't make plans, to do a better job around the house, to be thankful, to be patient, to give myself and others more grace, to ask for help when needed...)
- Mr. Steady and I are reading a book/ study together that is AWESOME!  It is called "Changed into His Image" by Jim Berg.  It is really challenging and encouraging me!  If you are ready for your walk with Christ to go to a new level, I think you should read this!
- Medical insurance... and that we have met our out of pocket max for the year!  So thankful that medical bills are not hanging over our head, and that each procedure that Mr. Steady needs is not going to cost us anything more!
- Support of friends, family, and friends that should be called family : )
- Our summer fun list... to remind me to keep making fun memories with my kiddos.
- For the exciting changes in the lives of friends and family... new babies, new houses, new jobs, soon to be new spouses! 
- that as a family we were able to go to the beach tonight for a bonfire to celebrate B's birthday, and fathers day!

- that I actually am posting on here, hoping this gets the ball rolling again : )
- and I'm thankful for you... anyone that stuck with me and read this whole rambling post!

Threats / Warnings

Do you find yourself counting??  Warning? Threatening? Raising your voice?
When you ask your kids to do something, do they obey right-away or do they wait for YOUR cue?  What is the cue you give your kids to finally listen to you?  We all train our kids to listen (or not listen) to us.  They learn to know when we mean business, when we are serious, when we are about to loose it...

I am totally convinced that we are all training our kids, even when we don't realize it.  If you ask your child to do something and they don't do it, do you start counting?  If so you are training your child to obey after you have said "two", but before you say "three!"  If you are one that is apt to raise your voice, you child may not see the importance in listening to you until you reach the right decibel they have grown accustom to.  If you are the parent that gives out threats {dare I say, idle threats} you are teaching your child that your word can't be trusted, that you lack follow-through.  And if you are warning your child over and over again, they are learning that you don't really mean what you say, and that they don't have to listen to you at all.

One of our dear friend's husbands described to Mr. Steady and I once why he hates warnings so much because of what it does to him.  "The first time I give an instruction I am calm. If the instruction is ignored. I warn again, this time still calm, but getting a tiny bit frustrated.  By the third, forth or tenth time I have to ask, I am completely frustrated!  I don't like to respond to my kids when I am frustrated."  Isn't that so true?!  That the frustration in us builds each time we have to repeat our instruction.  Or is it just me that feels that way?

A few years ago I had a friend over and her child kept disobeying her.  She said to her son, "If you do that again, you are going to get a time-out."  Two minutes later my friend said "If you do that again, your going to get a time-out." This happened over and over (at least, no joke 8 times), with NO time-outs given.  I was biting my tongue {literally} - all I wanted to say to her was, "If you threaten a time-out one more time and don't follow-through, I'm going to put you both in time-out!"

You see, {in my opinion} she was training her child that he didn't have to listen to her; that she wouldn't follow through and that what she said didn't matter.  And to be honest, it is really a dis-service to our kids to give more than one warning, and especially idle threats, becuase our poor kiddos never know when you are actually going to follow through... any consequence will feel like a surprise to them.... because you have threatened before and not followed through, so why now????

I am so guilty of this!  This is just one of many examples, but I have found my self saying, "if you do that again we are going to leave." Then I didn't leave when they did it again.... becuase it was inconvenient for me.  Uggh, it is so hard!  There are so many areas in parenting where we need to die to self, to put our child's heart (and heart-training) above our agenda, conversations and convenience!

Here are a few things to consider...

• It is better to say nothing than to threaten something and not follow through!  
• Remember that you are the one giving your kid the cues for when they really have to obey.  Consciously decide it you are okay with your current cues or if you need to regain some self-control and consistency.
• Remember the more warnings, the more likely you are to get frustrated.  Keep your heart, actions and tone of voice in check.
• Kids rise to the expectations put on them.  It will never be perfect.  We have kids with sinful hearts, and we as parents have sinful hearts.  But I promise that if you expect sass, you will get sass.  If you expect (and therefore condone) arguing, you better believe that your child is becoming an expert debater.  Don't be afraid to expect obedience the first time you ask something.
• If/when you decide that you are going to change things up in this regard... Start by talking with your child about it.  Let them know that how you have been doing things is going to change.  Apologize, and tell them that how you handled this in the past was not the best way, that your job as a mommy or daddy is hard and that you are sorry that you did not do it right from the start.  Then tell your child what is now expected of them, and how you will follow through.

Parenting is a hard job, no need to make it harder on yourself or your child by being inconsistent with your expectations and follow-through.  Kids thrive on consistency, it gives them security, even when the consistency entails consequences!

"Simply let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from evil."

Matthew 5:37

Heart Probing Questions

 

If you haven't had a chance to read Tedd Tripp's book Shepherding a Child's Heart, you really should!  It is an excellent book!  The chapter we are going over in our parenting class is on communication.  And how good communication is not talking to others in a monologue sort of way (our kids in this example), but really drawing out the heart of others and entering into a dialogue with them.  Does it come naturally to you?

In regard to parenting I realized how un-natural that really is to me.  Sure I ask the question "Why did you do that?" but 9 times out of 10 that gets me a response of "I don't know!"  Am I seeking to understand what is going on in my kiddos hearts and minds if I leave it at just that question?

The other day I told Bug to do something and her response was "Got it Mama!" Which made me laugh and cringe at the same time.  I realized that I had been barking orders at my kids lately and then ending with "You got it??"  Uggh, ugliness and rushing on my part, translates to not taking the time to consider their little hearts!  Who wants to be told/ asked "Got it"???  {I am working on not saying that}

As Mr. Steady and I talked about it a little this evening, we decided we need to have a quick reference sheet of questions that get to the heart of our little ones.  Since this really does not come naturally to us, we need a little help to keep us on track.  Here are some suggested questions on our sheet...

Heart Probing Questions:
Hey love, can you tell me what just happened?
What were you feeling when you ______?
How did you respond?
Did your response get the desired outcome you were hoping for?
How else could you have responded?
Were your actions considering the feelings of the other person?
How could you have better put the other person's needs above your own?
Was your response honoring to God?
How can mommy help you in this area?

A good reminder is to ask our kids the questions and be okay with a little bit of silence.  Give them time to reflect on what you asked.  After a few minutes ask them if they remember your question and re-word it if necessary if they seem to not be understanding.  Also, don't be afraid to help them discover the answer.  You can give them multiple choice, especially when they are younger and don't fully know how to describe all that is going on in their heart.  Example: "Buddy, how were you feeling when you head-butted your sister?" (yes actual example from our home).  "Were you angry at her? Was she frustrating you?  Were you trying to ask her to give you more space?"  It is not easy and though you may ask the best questions, it won't mean that you will get the best answers : )  Don't give up on trying to understand the heart of your little one!

The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters,
   but one who has insight draws them out. 

Proverbs 20:5

A new start

Happy New Year!!  I really enjoy the start of a new year, whether that be a new "school year" or a new calendar year.  I love the opportunity to evaluate and really look at my life and to see the areas where changes need to happen.  Oh, there are so many areas where I want to grow, where I want my priorities to be right not only in my head, but lived out every day!  I know this desire to make a new start is not something I experience alone.  I am sure many of you already have, or fully intend to, write down goals, priorities and resolutions for they year ahead.  I guess for me I don't want to look at this as a resolution, but more of a reminder of where my priorities need to be.  Below is a list of one woman's declaration of who she wants to be. I hope that it encourages you and maybe even gives you ideas for new areas of growth, disciple and change in your life. 

Two years ago I came across this post on the blog of another Utah mama, (Wish I could say we are friends... we have lots of friends in common if that counts, but we have never met).  Anyway... here is her list, which I have adopted and refer to OFTEN!

"In 2009 and beyond I want to be reminded to stay focused on my priorities.

I want to be the wife:  
who remembers that marriage comes before mothering.
who is a refuge at the end of my husband's tough day.  
who knows what household items are important to my husband and gets them done.
who supports my husband's down time and expresses my appreciation for his hard work and provision for our family.

I want to be the mom:
that remembers that my son's heart is more important than my inconvenience.
that chooses playing and reading over mopping and vacuuming.
that encourages fort making.
that remembers the days are long but the years are short.
that recognizes the difference between childishness and foolishness.
that leaves a legacy that points to Jesus Christ as Lord, creator and sustainer.
that teaches her sons independence and when it is time, lets go.
that has sons who know beyond all else that their mom loves them.

I want to be the friend:  

that is genuine - what you see is what you get.
who helps another friend without being asked.
who keeps a secret without doubt.
who can be trusted not to gossip.
that is loyal through tough times.
who accepts differences without judgment.
who invites a visitor in without excuses for the state of my home.

I want to be the child of God:
that loves others even when the emotions aren't there.
that serves out of pure gratitude for the price Christ paid for me.
that savors His word each day.
who is not ashamed of my faith and the journey that led me to Him.

I want to remember that life is messy.  The journey doesn't always look pretty, but we get only one journey."

playing

We had a full and busy weekend.  For most of the weekend we had 6 adults and 8 kiddos (all under the age of 5) at our casa.  It was fun, chaotic, a tad crazy, a little loud and totally wonderful : )  Two of my college roommates and their families spent the weekend with us.  Kat and her hubby only live 20 minute away, so they would come for the days and hang out late into the evening.  Court and her hubby came down from Central California.  Oh what a treat it was to have these life-long friends here.

I loved getting to watch both of them mother, getting to watch their kiddos and just observing each family in action.  We all parent in slightly different ways.  And can I tell you that I was so encouraged and challenged by these differences.

You see, I am a little bit of a type A personality.  There is always a to-do list in my head and things that I see all around me that need to be done.  I am so guilty of putting tasks at the top of my priorities.  More than once this weekend, H asked me it I would play with him, to which time I said "no," because I had a ton to do.  Then H asked Kat, Court or one of the dads and he heard, "Yes, of course, what do you want to do Buddy?"  I watched the pure delight on his face at the realization that someone said yes!

Uggh, why am I so quick to say no?!?!   I want to be better at playing.  I want to be a fun mom.  I want to prioritize my kids over my tasks.  Where to start??  I am sure this sounds beyond ridiculous to some of you... but it is the truth, sitting down and playing (JUST PLAYING) is hard for me to do.  So I am setting a goal of playing with each one of my kids for at least 15 minutes each day... focused time, no answering my phone or sending a text, not getting up to change the laundry or start dinner... just focused mommy-time playing.

Love/ Hate

Oh, how I love my bug.  She is hilarious, and growing into her personality more every day.  I am realizing that I have such a Love/ Hate relationship with the 12 month- 20 month phase in my little one's life. 

I LOVE
smiles
glimpses of personality
laughter
playing games
lots of snuggles
new independence
babble and new words
watching them grasp new ideas
watching them learn, grow and develop

Playfulness and Joy

 

I hate, or should I say, I as a mama struggle with...
doubting myself if I am doing things right
wondering if they fully understand
helping establish consistent rules
temper tantrums
that my little one does not fully grasp what I mean by "Get Self Control"
The constant testing the limits
The days that I stink at being consistent
My little ones inability to express what they want
Fits and whining

Ahh, this is just a season, right?!?! I do love this phase more than I hate it.  But I would be lying if I said that I loved everything about it.  I am just seeing how strong-willed Bug is compared to her big brother. I thought this phase was challenging with him, but now I realize he was just the warm up. Game on.

Hindsight Parenting

This week at the Moms group I am a part of we had a speaker come in and talk on lessons she learned in parenting. She was great, funny and so real and full of insight. I am sure that I might lose my notes... so I am going to write about all I learned, maybe you can pick up a thing or two from this wise woman that I was so blessed to hear.

3 Things she is glad that she did...

1. "Yes"= Yes and "No"= No Say what you mean, and make sure your kids know that you mean it! Be consistent! Be willing to follow through on what you say to your kids. No idle threats. Because when we give idle threats we are only training our kids that they don't have to listen to us.
Uggg, so hard for me when I see issues with my kids not listening to realize that it is mostly from my lack of consistency. Hard to face the fact that we as parents are a part of the problem!

2. Her life was and is more than her children Other relationships and ministry are also priorities... God Husband, Bible study, girlfriends all need to be a part of life. If we don't want our kids to think the whole world revolves around them, then show them that God has placed other people in our life that need our time and attention at times. In no way was she advocating putting your kids at the bottom of the priority list, but just encouraging us that there are others that may need us, not just our kids. And that having kids and being busy as a mom is no cop-out for not being involved in some capacity in the lives of others outside our home.

3.She allowed her children increasing responsibility and freedom We want to raise godly kids! Not Just good kids. Good character far exceeds good manners!
This is something that I feel like we are always working on, and will be for as long as we have influence in our kiddos life. It is a challenge to think of responsibilities that are appropriate for my 4 year old to always be in charge of, but I think so important for him to know that he is a vital part of our family. That he has responsibilities because we deem him trust-worthy.

3 Things she wished she would have done differently...

1. She didn't give her husband enough freedom (to fail) or encouragement (that was not instructional). Dad's are going to do things differently than we do as moms. That is why God has given each child both of you, to balance them out : ) The more we step in and dictate EXACTLY how things should be done to our husband in regard to our kids, Daddy is going to start pulling back and just let us do it all... since the message we are sending him is that he can never seem to get it right. If the bedtime routine is a little off, who cares, at least you have a man willing to help put them to bed! Let him be the dad that God created him to be!

2. They didn't take a family day/ evening Do something weekly as a family to cultivate family time. Whether that is making Sundays a family day where you all spend time together or you pick an evening of the week to play games. Spend time as a family nurturing these relationships and building memories together. This is something that we have been meaning to implement for a while now. We actually want to put into a place a family devotion time and a family play day. I want to start this now when our kids are young so that they think that it is fun and look forward to it. From talking with others that attempted to start this when their kids were Jr. High age, it was too late. The kids thought it was "lame." Get it in place before the "too cool" factor starts : )

3. She didn't have enough fun time with her kids It is not just about setting up fun activities with your kids, it is about being a part of it. How often have we not jumped into the pool, lake or ocean with our kids so that we didn't have to "get our hair wet?" Or set up a craft for them to do, but never joined them in the fun. There will be times that we can't always join in the fun, but when the opportunity presents itself, jump in, get wet, dirty, go through the hassle of getting on all of your snow clothes and don't get a darn thing checked off of your to-do list! This one was especially convicting to me. I am the mom that brings a book to the beach and expects the kids to either play by themselves or to play with daddy. Hopefully, I can break this streak before my kids start to think that Mama is no fun! So, "Have fun with H" and "Have fun with Bug" is on the to-do list for my week : )

Sledding with H last winter. So glad I bundled up and was a part of the day, not just an observer.

Finally, being a mom is a hard job, it sounds so incredibly cliche to say it, but if you are a mom you know it is true. We are often our worst critics, and probably for good reason, we see all of our selfishness get in the way of parenting our kids with unconditional love. Please remember that God has chosen you to parent your kids, you and no one else!